Week 7 Theme
Character #1.
At thirteen he is the youngest of five boys, his four year old sister the only thing that stands in his way to claiming the throne as the youngest in the family. He rummages through the Lego pieces, glancing again and again at the diagram laid out in front of him as if to remind himself which piece he is looking for. His fingernails, too long for a boy but he doesn’t ever care to cut them, scrape along the bottom of the box as he sifts through the multi-colored chaos. With his dirty blonde hair cropped short it’s easy to see the facial tics that occasionally scrunch up his eyes and wiggle his nose a little to the left. He stops just long enough to rub his nose, itchy from either the persistent movement or the congestion that has once again filled up an asthmatic but otherwise healthy respiratory pathway, and then diligently returns to his search.
“Mom, can you help me? I can’t find these two pieces.” He sighs, points to the diagram and sniffles. His eyes crinkle with the disappointment of needing help but then his eyebrows take a firm set of determination, there’s no giving up even if the ego needs assistance.
I study the diagram then run my fingers through the mess, deftly pulling one of the pieces out almost instantly. “Here’s one, now we just have to find one more.” I hold out the piece and he snatches it up, adding it to the mass that would eventually be a Star Wars space craft.
“Yeah but the last piece will be harder to find because you just reduced our chances of finding it by fifty percent.” Never once did his eyes leave the box of pieces as he said this, never once did his face give away any signs of critical thinking prior to the statement. It took me a minute to realize he was right.
I giggled. “I don’t have any other boys that think like you do Noah, that think in terms of math. It’s one of the things I love about you.” He snorted, looked at me in bewilderment and then after a few seconds of thinking, and a number of tics, he smiled. Averting his eyes he simply said “Yeah” then went back to looking for the elusive piece.
Character #2
She stepped out of the car, slung her pocket book over her right shoulder, and locked the door. Before closing the door she checked her right jacket pocket, pulled out the keys, replaced them, shut the door and made a quick cursory pat of the pocket again. Walking briskly to the entrance of the store her eyes glanced around but did not really see what was around her. It was the cursory glance of caution. Were there any cars coming? Was anyone stepping in front of her? Her real eyes were turned inward, possibly running through lists in her head.
Her white button up blouse fit snugly just beneath her breasts. Snug enough to reign in the few extra pounds and give her body more shape, but not so snug it popped buttons. Her black blazer coupled with the two inch heels peeking out from beneath the cuff of her jeans gave a professional appearance, while the dark blue jeans, although clean and crisp, alluded to something more relaxed, more true to her nature. Pushing the cart through the aisles she lingered over a few items, admiring, then placing them back on the rack, she continued on. A few things went into the cart; cat food, dog food, Pull-ups, laundry detergent, a notebook, a package of pens. After a careful inspection of the clearance racks a sweatshirt, black button up blouse, and a size four child’s pair of jeans with pink flowers embroidered on the cuff joined the posse in the cart. She picked up a movie, read the back, giggled, looked in the cart, and then put it back on the shelf. With a quick glance at her cell phone she turned the cart around and headed for the check out.
Standing in line she fished around in her pocket book and pulled out a folded up piece of paper. Noticing the woman behind her, standing impatiently and clutching three items to her chest to keep them from falling, she motioned for the woman to step in front of her in line. They traded smiles, a ‘Thank you’ and a ‘No problem’, the unknown woman moved ahead. Turning her attention once again to the cart she opened the package of pens and began to check things off. Adding the new items from the clearance rack to the bottom of the list, she checked those off too, absently nodded, and then deposited the list back into the black abyss of the bag.
Heading out to the car she wore the expression of a woman on a mission like an insecure child clings to a tattered blankie, as if it were second nature and there was no other way to be. Walking briskly across the parking lot she smiled nicely at people that met her quick cursory gazes but then quickly turned her attention back to the pavement in front of her. Opening the hatchback she put the bags in, closed the door and walked the cart to one of the corals, giving it a forceful push in the right direction while still four feet away and then looking back over her shoulder briefly to make sure it made its destination. She pulled her keys out of her pocket and started to open the driver’s side door then stopped. Her head turned to the curb of the parking lot in front of her car where a small apple tree was in full summer bloom. She walked over and gently lifted a branch full of the buds and inhaled deeply. Closing her eyes she smiled, caressed a petal delicately, and then returned it to its former hanging pose. Looking around she blushed, just a little, then hopped in her car, started the engine, and drove away.
Character #3
APB –
Man, 5’11”, salt & pepper hair, slightly balding, 37 – 45 years of age, approximately 225 pounds.
Last seen in the Bangor area driving a maroon pick-up truck with expired registration.
Wanted for excessive use of guilt trips on children; avoiding household responsibilities by taking three hour naps in the afternoon or spending entire days in the woods “hunting”; and suspected bouts of amnesia when recalling prior conversations.
Approach cautiously as man is armed with quick wit and cunning smile that induces forgiveness in would-be accusers.
Three different approaches, each working it its own way, on its own terms.
ReplyDeleteEasiest to comment on is the last which is a nicely handled, very sharp little joke, with a bit of vinegar and a bit of sugar too.
The little boy--it all revolves around our understanding and being surprised by the fifty percent. We do and we are. But I think the piece is overlong for the set-up of that one comment.
The market lady piece is different from the fifty percent--every word counts, every detail adds to the picture, every item offers further perspective, further comment, further evidence for our guesses. The apple tree is a surprise and very nicely, delicately handled.
For the little boy one - I thought the whole idea was to produce a character sketch that says something about the character but in a more round about way - not so direct. The "climax' of the piece was the math statement but it was more of a culmination of the entire character not the major focus. To me the major focus was - here is a boy that has his own set of troubles: facial tics, asthma, wont cut his nails, easily forgetful, can't even claim to be the youngest - but even with all these things he has a brilliant mind. The beginning, although long, was the major set up for the surprising gift at the end and I thought it set up more for the idea of who this little boy really was. Is it too long for that?
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for asking me to rethink my comments and fighting back against teacher overreach.
ReplyDeleteSo, I've taken a second look, thinking about your comment here. However, I'm going to stick to my guns.
What seems like a mess of troubles to a little boy and his mom seem like not-so-very-much to the reader, just another kid with sniffles or whatever. Actually, unless the reader is studying the piece for a test, the fifty percent remark drives most other thoughts out of his head. The reader drops the earlier material to concentrate on the remark.
That may not be good reading but it's what happened when I read it, and I think the earlier material would have to be sharpened before it could stick harder with the average reader.
Put it another way: the piece falls into two parts--before and after the remark. They have to have nearly equal power to keep the piece balanced. Contrast the market piece--no easy break, no vital section which if less pointed than another section severely unbalances the writing; it's all of a piece.
This is all pretty esoteric, and I would not swear that I'm absolutely right. It's more a matter of taste and preference and context--a mother with a kid at home might see fifty-percent differently than I can.
I think I see what you mean. The whole piece creates a picture of the boy but because the first half is ambiguous, the second half makes the bigger impact and makes the reader forget the first part. I've got some other writing to do today but I think I may give this one a second try. If for nothing else than to see if I can drive the comlete picture home more with the reader and balance out the writing with impact. I have some ideas to try so you'll have to let me know what you think.
ReplyDelete